Ahhh, Halloween. As a young kid, the very thought of the holiday was enough to send chills down my spine... and not because being scared ever crossed my mind, but walking around town dressed up as my favorite movie character or a homeless person (they're funny!) or a hot dog (or was that one only me?) to fill my bags full countless pieces of teeth-rotting, sugar-filled delight was something that no child could pass up. Well, then high school came, and with it the spirit of Halloween dwindled away into nothingness. It was just a time of the year where mother put out some fake pumpkins, passed out candy to those pesky kids and every other channel on TV had 'Scary Slasher Saturday' or 'Fright Fest Friday' playing.

Then college came.

You see, Halloween parties are the thing to do on Halloween when you're in college -- or so I'm told. Guys dress up, trying to outdue each other, seeing who can show up with the funniest costume (dressing as a girl is a guaranteed laugh, and highly original -- I came up with the idea myself as a matter of fact), and girls try to outdue each other, and give fathers across the nation heart attacks, by seeing who can dress the sluttiest.

Slutty teacher. Slutty cop. Slutty nurse. Slutty witch. Slutty wildlife. Slutty prostitue. It doesn't matter. The more skin it shows with a costume that technically shouldn't show much skin, the better a costume it is. Girls will go to great lengths -- epsionage and sometimes even murder -- to make sure they show up to the party looking like the biggest whore.

Oh wait, did I keep saying slutty? I meant SEXY, sorry.

Oh wait, no I didn't.

Labels: Rambling

Some people don't seem to accept my vertical impairment of 5'9" (no need to mention names here)... but you know, it's actually the ideal -- and what I believe to be the naturally selected, and thus fully dominant -- height. A 5'9" person is not so short that they can't reach the top shelf of the fridge for that slice of American cheese, but they're not so tall as to be easily spotted after cheap shotting that old lady on the street to get her purse (the black market for prescription drugs is out of control... or so I hear).

You know who else is 5'9"? A certain Paul Newman. His best buddy pal Robert Redford. Some actors named Robert De Niro and Jack Nicholson (maybe you've heard of them?). Robert Downey Jr.. Steve McQueen. Antonio "Too Sexy" Banderas. Steve Buscemi. Mel Gibson. Ed Harris. Dennis Hopper. Ron Howard. Lisa Kudrow. Sylvester Stallone.

Marlon Brando himself, the man who is probably the greatest movie actor who ever lived, only stands an inch above us at 5'10" (sybollic? Probably). The only other people missing from the list of actors who are also vertically impaired (I use the word "impaired" very lightly, as it's the culturally accepted term used to discriminate against us folk) are Harrison Ford, Clint Eastwood, James Stewart, and John Stamos.

I am short for one reason, and one reason only. It was my destiny. To stand shoulder to shoulder alongside the legendary greatness of Newman, De Niro, Nicholson, Redford, McQueen, Gibson, Downey Jr., Lisa Kudrow, and so on...

I won't say I'm the next big thing. I don't need to say it.

Labels: Rambling

I used to think that priests got an undeserved bad wrap. Something caused by the overexposure used by the media for the obvious shock value. Yeah, sure, some of them would often take Little Billy or Tiny Timmy into the confession booth for a little more than some innocent confessing, I used to say, but it didn't mean it was happening everywhere. Well, folks, there is a point where even someone as intellectual and potentially genius as me can admit being wrong.

So, what is it about the job title "Catholic Priest" that attracts pedophiles, rapists, and downright scumbags?

I bring this all up, because after former Rep. Mark Foley blamed his attraction towards young males and his sexual e-mails exchanged with one, on being molested by a priest when he was a young boy, I said, "Give me a break, like we're supposed to believe that." Guess what? He wasn't lying.

Not that that gives him the right to do what he did at all -- don't get me wrong -- and it doesn't make him any less of a sick, twisted individual, but come on... how many times are we going to hear about priests sexually abusing young children? The numbers keep on piling up, over and over... and those are just the ones we hear about. With the upcoming documentary on the issue, where a convicted ex-priest openly talks his scandulous encounters, titled Deliever Us From Evil (watch the trailer here... it's... well, just watch it), the spotlight on sexually deviant priests is brighter than ever.

So, let me tell you (or rather have him tell you himself) about this scumbag who sexually molested Foley, before he turned into a scumbag himself.

"Once maybe I touched him or so, but didn't, it wasn't -- because it's not something you call, I mean, rape or penetration or anything like that you know. We were just fondling," the 69-year old Father Anthony Mercieca told CNN. "He seemed to like it, you know? So it was sort of more like a spontaneous thing."

I couldn't believe it when I read it. Can this guy be serious? He continues, not making much sense at all...

"See abuse, it's a bad word, you know, because abuse, you abuse someone against his will. But it involved just spontaneousness, you know? ... Let's say it was 40 years ago, almost 40 years ago, so why bring this up at this late stage? Anyway, he will overcome it, with a psychiatrist you know."

Hey, good point. So I can go around touching little, underage boys, as long as A) it's spontaneous (get them playing their Nintendo DS intently, then strike!) and B) they don't seem to mind (if they don't tell anyone, it must mean they liked it).

"I would say that if I offended him, I am sorry, but to remember the good time we had together, you know?" he said. "And how really we enjoyed each other's company. And to let bygones be bygones. Don't keep dwelling on this thing, you know?"

This priest goes on to recall massaging Foley while he was naked, skinning-dipping with him at a secluded Lake, and being naked with him in the same room on overnight trips. He then says there was one instance he doesn't recall between the two of them because he was all tranquilized up. I'll put twenty bucks on him never even finding out what sexual abuse feels like on the receiving end in prison, even after confessing like this. Any takers?

After a little research, I found that in a comprehensive study, 4% of Catholic priests between 1950 and 2002 were convicted of sexual abuse of a minor. That means 4 out of 100 priests during this time were accused of sexual abuse. Reflect on that for a minute, and think about how ridiculous and insane that statistic actually is. The study continued to say that during this time 4,392 clergymen were accused of abusing 10,667 people.

These are supposed leaders of a Christian church, a place where one is supposed to feel safe, and secure, and not feel a penis in all the wrong places. Do these priests honestly think that they can confess their sins of corruption, of sexual deviance, of rape and molestation and be forgiven? The only forgiveness they're going to receive hopefully is the forgiveness of a parent's Louisville slugger to their faces.

And yes, this disease that seems to be infecting priests around the world sometimes can hit close to home. There was a Catholic priest in my own hometown that I personally knew and had talked to -- that my family personally knew, that friends of mine listened to every Sunday -- who was convicted for accessing child pornography on his computer.

So, no, as sad as it sounds, you cannot even trust those who seem the most trustworthy. Yes, it's only a small minority that are deviant, but a small minority in what is supposed to be one of the most trusting, understanding, and undeviant professions in the world, where parents would never think twice that it's a bad idea to leave their child alone with the individual, to go on trips with them, spend countless hours with them... well, that minority seems a whole lot larger.

I wanted to end this post with some wit, on a funny note, possibly about castrating all priests or something even less funny like just letting these poor, lonely guys get married, but talking about priests playing with Paulie's penis puts me in a particularly poor mood.

So, let's just leave it at that.

Labels: Rambling

Yes, folks, I'm still being lazy, and I'm going to post some more videos, pretending like it's a meaningful post. But bear with me, I really will be back at full force here soon. I really will.

If you don't like westerns, well, frankly, you're a Nazi. It's the American genre. Sure, we have our gangster flicks, our comeback sports movies, our masterpiece video game adaptations, but nothing says, "I'm American and I helped kill off the Native Americans" more than a good ol' classic western.

We'll start off simple, though. You can watch this if you haven't seen A Fistful of Dollars, since it's not really going to spoil much. This is Clint Eastwood being awesome though.



Here's a great clip from For a Few Dollars More. It's the final showdown between Lee Van Cleef and Gian Maria Volonte. You probably don't want to watch this if you haven't seen it (but who hasn't, RIGHT?) and would like too, since it's, you know, the end, but it's an awesome showdown nonetheless.



Here is the final showdown in The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, which is probably the greatest western ever made.


If the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly isn't the greatest western, it's certainly Once Upon a Time in the West. Henry Fonda is easily one of the greatest villains put to screen, and this is the final showdown (that is definitely the best showdown EVER -- true story). Don't watch it unless you want to be completely spoiled (I don't recommend it, please just go watch the whole movie). The clip is nearly 9 minutes long, by the way.



If you haven't seen Once Upon a Time in the West, that's okay, I can forgive you. And since I forgive you, here you go, you can watch this scene from the very beginning of the movie. Possibly one of the coolest arrival scenes in the world.

Labels: Video

While this isn't technically a music video, it is the legendary Ennio Morricone and his orchestra performing the Ecstasy of Gold, which not only happens to be one of the greatest pieces of movie music ever, but comes from one of the greatest movies ever: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Enjoy, my friends.

Labels: Video