Let me just throw some stats out here.

Peyton Manning is the least blitzed quartback in the NFL. Why?
Against the Blitz:
Passing: 60 of 86 for 795 yards and 9 touchdowns.
QB Rating: 133

Not too bad. Not too bad at all.

The Colts are averaging a score on every other possesion. Let that sink in. This team (which at the time I'm writing this is still undeafeated) has the least amount of three-and-outs in the NFL and has only punted 28 times all season.

My brother likes to say Peyton Manning is the smartest QB in the NFL right now. Is he? Probably. Watch him play... look at his stats.


Here's to the Steelers pulling off the win tonight to prove all those guys on TV and ESPN wrong.

Labels: Sports

Noriyuki "Pat" Morita has passed away of natural causes at the age of 73.
His memorable roles in the Karate Kid saga (I bet you didn't know his role as Mr. Miyagi won him an Oscar nomination, did ya?) and Arnold in Happy Days have created two of the most memorable movie and television characters of the 80s.

He is gone, but visions of catching flies with chopsticks, healing wounds with his mystical massages, and his teaching of karate to Daniel by getting his house remodeled will forever be embedded in our minds.



Now, in hopes of lifting spirits, look here at pictures of my good friend "Steve" and Chuck Norris.



The resemblance is uncanny. They could be twins. TWINS, I TELL YOU! I have come to the conclusion, after knowing Steve for some six years that he is Chuck Norris. Why do you lie to us, Steve? Why do you lie...?

Labels: Rambling

and wait for my brother Andrew to get to Florida, I browsed these here internets and came upon a startling bit of information.

Walker, Texas Ranger: Trial by Fire.



This Made-for-TV Walker, Texas Ranger movie (which by the way, Trivette only made a cameo... or so I hear) was on this year and I never heard about it? Oooooh, sometimes I wish I had a television. Even a tiny one that was only black and white and I had to constantly power it with pedals.

My real beef here is this: Why didn't any of my friends tell me about this? Chuck Norris is a legend. I'm about positive when he dies and goes to Heaven, God is going to place his room only a little down to hall from Jesus'. So seriously "friends", you go back to your materialistic items, your fancy "TVs" and your "homes" and your "food." I don't know if I can ever forgive you guys for not telling me about this.



:*-(

Labels: Rambling

What you are about to see is a true, unaltered picture. I have tracking on my blog, to see how many visitors come on any given day, where they come from, what country they are from, what kind of browser they are using, etc. etc. A great feature of this is you can see what people are searching for in the search engine (i.e. Google, Yahoo) to find you site. It only records the last 100 hits, so I miss out on seeing many of the searches used, but here are some keywords I managaed to catch.



You can't make this stuff up, folks. Not one, but two searches for "harry potter pornos?" Why would anybody search that in the first place? Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone?

I'm hope the person that searched for "uguly people" found what he/she wanted as well.

The individual that searched for "how people in mexico keep cool" was probably really disapointed. It obviously came out from my post on "Mexico: The Future of the NFL?" and my site's title "Keep Cool, My Babies." I wonder if he meant how they keep cool tempature wise (I'm pretty sure air conditioners are illegal in Mexico) or how Mexican's keep cool as in "hip." I am going to have to make a blog post entitled "Hot to Keep Those Mexicans Cool" in case he comes back.

Labels: Site Issues

Labels: Picture

Human flesh. What does it taste like? This is an age old question that only the likes of the Donner expedition, Dahmer and Hannibal the Cannibal could answer for us... until now.

Hufu.

The delightful human flesh alternative.

You can't make this stuff up, folks.

I wish you could.

According to the Hufu website, Hufu is "designed to resemble, as humanly possible, the taste and texture of human flesh. If you've never had human flesh before, think of the taste and texture of beef, except a little sweeter in taste and a little softer in texture. Contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken."

When it was asked how they knew Hufu (which is legal in all 50 states, I might add) tastes like human flesh, the website answers, "The taste and texture of Hufu are the result of painstaking research and extensive testing in our kitchens. We are supremely confident that our food products would satisfy the tastes of even the most demanding cannibal. "

This is great news for all cannibals. If it was aimed toward the more lax, on-the-weekends-only cannibal, it could be a big turn-off and backfire on them.

Curious who buys Hofu? "Hufu was originally conceived of as a product for students of anthropology hungry for the experience of cannibalism but deterred by the legal and logistical obstacles. However, our preliminary market research revealed the existence of a larger segment of the public that was interested in the availability of a legal and healthy human flesh substitute, as well as vegetarians and vegans. We also found that Hufu is a great product for cannibals who want to quit. Hufu is also a great cannibal convenience food -- no more Friday night hunting raids!"

Whew. No more staying home on weekends due to fear that if I go out a pack of cannibals will attack and eat my brains. Speaking of that, remember in Hannibal when Ray Liotta ate his own brain? Man, that was ca-razy. I hope they make a Brainfu sometime.

So do they have more planned products coming out? Certainly. Look for "Hufu Healthy Hearts and Hufu Doctor Lecter's Liver for the cannibal gourmand who appreciates the rich tastes of these delicacies. "

Labels: Rambling

When I heard that People magazine had announced this years Sexiest Man Alive I quickly jolted to the nearest convenience store with more anticipation than Jeffrey Jones on his way to the local Chuck E. Cheese. This year would be my year... I knew it. I could feel it in my bones.

I purchased the magazine, and without even a peek, I sprinted back to my room before I revealed the good news to myself. I crept into my room and sat at my desk. I lit the candles and incense in my room and placed the magazine in front of me. Wiping the perspiration from my forehead, my eyes glanced at the front cover.

My heart sunk.

It couldn't be right. Him? No... no... I frantically flipped through all the pages, looking for my picture... my name... somewhere... anywhere. I found a few people with a "J" in their name, but my name never showed up. I grabbed my phone to call my agent. When I realized I didn't have an agent I slammed the phone on the ground in anger. Matthew McConohonoaghaniny? That is the sexiest guy alive? Mr. 10-Days-to-Lose-a-Guy? Mr. Let-Me-Plan-Your-Wedding? Obviously this was a mistake.

I called up People magazine and calmly explained the misprint. I had to call back twelve times before I wasn't hung up on after the first three minutes. Then they told me I was ugly, and that's why I wasn't granted the title.

A little piece of my soul died.

You better watch your back Mr. McConohonoaghaniny. You better watch your back.

Labels: Rambling

Labels: Rambling

I recently listened to a piece of music that left me completely speechless. It blew my mind. It brought on emotions that I had never felt before -- emotions that simply cannot be explained with words.

Download this... now.

Two words come to mind. Musical genius. These words explain the one extreme of the musical spectrum. Okay, now go to the polar opposite of that extreme. Now keep going, yes, keep going off the spectrum past the extreme of "Total Complete Suckiness" -- past "Good Charlotte", past "Ashlee Simpson", past "I Am a No Talent Assclown"... yep, there you are. You should see no words, just a picture of Ke... err... K-Fed. There is nothing past him on the spectrum. He is rock bottom. He is a known person simply because he married that skanky trash Britney Spears and the tabloids enjoy showing pictures of Mr. Spears with his cornrows and cigarettes. Yes, K-Fed has released a sample of a song from his upcoming CD "The Truth." You can't make this stuff up, folks.

Here are the lyrics to his songs, with my commentary added in italics.


"Ya'll Ain't Ready" by K-Fed. (We'll never be ready, you're right... and it's spelled "y'all", holmes.)

I should be saying
Keep my damn name out of your mouth (This line is from a Dre song verbatim)
But you people keep increasin' my change amount (What?)

So, go ahead and say what you wanna (I will)
I'm going to sell out, turn around and then I'm gonna (First of all, you need a smidgen of talent and a fan following before you can sell out. And you're gonna what...?)

I know you wish you was in my position (No, I don't)
'Cause I keep getting in situations that you wish you was in (No, you don't)
'Cause I'm not your brother (No, you're not)
Not your uncle (This is true)
I ain't your daddy too (Thank God)
Stepping in this game and you ain't got a clue (I don't think you do either, buddy)

My prediction is that y'all gonna hate me (Maybe he's smarter than he looks.)
And this style that we create straight 2008 (We'll hate it much longer than that)

But I know that you really can't wait (For K-Fed to be forgotten and Britney to divorce him)
'Cause people are always asking me
When's the release date? ("People" as in Britney. Wait, no... she doesn't even care, dude)
Well maybe baby you can wait and see
Until then all these paparazzi (did you say Pavarotti?) are following me (me = Britney Spears)

Getting anxious go take a peek
I'm starring in your magazine now every day of the week (k...)

Back then
They called me K-Fed (Who did? Your homeboys you danced with?)
But you can call me Daddy instead (No, I won't... you said that you ain't my daddy earlier anyway)

A few notes: most of these lyrics make absolutely no sense whatsoever; they don't flow together to make sense; K-Fed has horrible grammar; K-Fed sucks at rhyming; K-Fed has no rhythm; K-Fed makes Vanilla Ice look like a rapping god; K-Fed is a bag of douche. Somebody needs to shoot the producer that let this happen. His album, "The Truth", has no release date yet. The real truth? Kevin Federline is the epitome of a tool.

K-Fed has class.

Labels: Pop Culture

I'm going to war, folks. Only for the weekend though... and somewhere here in Central Florida. It should be an exciting time of shooting blanks, wearing camo, barely sleeping, eating small rations and screaming a lot of "hooah's" for the Army I know and love.

Sigh.

Well... 1130 tomorrow is departure. Got my bags packed, my shoes shined and my pop tarts already in my pants pocket. My only fear is when I come back, I may suffer from flashbacks, constantly having nightmares and waking up screaming and sweating and my heart racing -- but never wanting to talk about my experience... my experience at the FTX.

When I return, I shall be a master of land navigation and and expert in the use of my fancy red flashlight (because regular ones are a big no-no in the Army, they aren't as pretty). I will also be really dirty and probably cranky due to lack of shower facilities and sleep.

Wish me luck, civilians. Hooah! Over and out.

Labels: Rambling

Yo ho! So didja hear the one about the tourist ship and the pirates? Apparently, an American owned cruise liner was attacked of the coast of Africa by a group of savage, ruthless pirates with machine guns and rocket-propelled grenades. You can't make this stuff up, folks.


The ship, after being attacked by the two small boatfuls of pirates (who didn't even wear eye patches, have a skull flag or talking parrots from the looks of it) quickly verbally challenged the pirates (with a Long-Range Acoustic Device that the military uses to warn people), changed directions and sailed away.


Two days after the incident, a young woman was still shaken. "I'm starting to be able to breathe," she said. I'm really happy she didn't suffocate. She went on to say something about Bambi and that she was terrified. I have to be honest though, I got bored and just didn't feel like reading the rest of the article.


But seriously -- the first problem here is that the pirates should have at least gotten a pirate ship and not those crappy "speed" boats from whatever decade before I was born those are from. Also, I don't see a captain. Where is the captain? Do you even have one, Mr. Pirate? If so, everybody knows that he has to have a hook for a hand and wear red. Where is Smee? Why did they carry guns and stuff instead of swords? How did you not kill or injure anyone with the type of weapons you did have? Are you really even pirates? If you were good pirates you should have just pretended your boats were sinking and then when they let you board, take over the ship for it's gold and swashbuckle anyone who tried to put up a fight. That's what pirates do, man.

Link to the article.

Labels: Rambling

So, I was browsing IMDb and I came across this epic sci-fi adventure... Gayniggers from Outer Space. I really have no clue what it is about, but the three main stars in the movie have the names ArmInAss, Captain B. Dick, and Sgt. Shaved Balls. You can't make this stuff up, folks.
Here are two of my favorite quotes from the quotables section:


Capt. B Dick: I know you're afraid ArmInAss, but my son- this is just step on the long road to becoming a GayNigger. It started when your father gave birth to you... and who knows, maybe after this mission, you'll get the sign of the brown ring- and can truly call yourself a GayNigger. And that's what you've been preparing for since you went to GayAgent School.
ArmInAss: You really think so sir?

Capt. B Dick: Kneel down, and prepare to receive the holy gay nigger seed!



How the Academy ever overlooked this is beyond me.


A few underrated actors listed on IMDb:
Wilson the Volleyball
Otto (the blow-up doll from Airplane)
Robby the Robot (umm... a robot)
Donald Kaufman (the fictional brother of Charlie Kaufman who almost won an Oscar)
Bart the Bear (RIP)
Buster (a crash-test dummy)

Labels: Movies

It seems Hollywood can never come up with original ideas nowadays. 96% of the movies coming out can be placed in three categories.

1) The Sequel (i.e. Deuce Bigalow 2, Son of the Mask)
2) The Remake (i.e. The Fog, King Kong)
3) The Adaptation (i.e. Lord of the Rings, Resident Evil)

The other 4% are pornos.

If you've seen my Top 10 Worst Movies list notice that four of them are sequels and three are based on either books or video games. So you can give Crossroads, Envy and Kazaam credit at least for being completely original ideas.

Now check out these extremely unnecessary sequels in development:


In this highly anticipated sequel to Rain Man, Raymond (Hoffman) has been kidnapped. An old flame (Washington) from Raymond's brother Charlie's (Cruise) past swears vengeance on those who committed the unspeakable act against his ex-lover's family.



Ray Charles... the extraordinary story they didn't want you to hear. When Pepsi threatens to take his commercials off air, Ray takes justice into his own hands.



Oskar Schindler deals with life after the war in this coming-to-age comedy for the whole family.



Harry Potter graduates from school and becomes a local police officer. When Dumbledore is mysteriously murdered, Harry is torn between good and evil -- and the line between right and wrong is hazy.



Combining the world of both Ocean's 11 movies, this will be a fun romp of Hollywood proportions. Since many of the original cast members are dead (such as Sinatra), they will be full-CGI characters (much like Jar Jar Binks or Paris Hilton) and this will be the biggest heist as of yet -- in ETHIOPIA!



This is not a sequel, but is the Director's Cut of Deuce Bigalow and shows the director's original intentions that were deemed "too hot for Hollywood." Coming to DVD December 7th.



Ben Affleck reprises his role as Capt. Rafe McCawley in this action-packed extravaganza brought to you by Michael Bay! The world thought it was safe from Japan. The war was over. America had underestimated them though. They still had ONE more weapon. Based on a true story, this is the heartwarming -- but heartbreaking -- love story of a man, a woman and a monster.



Ulysses and Pete are at it again. One morning, they wake up after a passionate night of drinking and various other activities, only to find out there car is missing and they can't remember where they parked it. Crazy antics and annoying songs follow.



After four brother's mother is killed by the evil Rita Repulsa, Zordon selects these brothers to battle Rita and her evil monsters as they search for revenge, redemption and ultimately... forgiveness.



I doubt any of these will be Oscar caliber. I just wish Hollywood could come up with original ideas anymore.





Giving credit where credit is due. More pictures can be found here.

Labels: Movies

Alright, I had heard of this Pastor Fred Phelps guy who was some radical giving Christianity a bad name that went around being crazy and stuff, but after a small discussion about him in a class of mine (where I found he is even crazier than I originally thought) I decided to do the Google thing on him and -- wow -- this guy is laughably insane.



How do people actually hear what this guy says and think, "Gee, this is one smart preacher. I mean, he's so smart he refers to homosexuals as "fags" and says Mr. Rogers is in hell. Yes, he seriously says that. Why, you ask? Well, it's simple really -- he worked for PBS, and PBS says homosexuality is just fine with them. So, Mr. Rogers is obviously is going to hell.


BT: ...Let's talk about the Mr. Rogers protest. I didn't think Mr. Rogers was gay?

Fred: Well, I don't know if he's gay or not but he's one of the foremost proponents of 'It's OK to be Gay.'... You've got a guy [Mr. Rogers] who has got millions of children's ears and he says he's gonna shoot straight to them about the weighty matters of life, death, divorce -- and then he steps gingerly around the fact that if you mess with that fag lifestyle you gonna split hell wide open.

BT: Well, he never came out and said that on the show, though, as far as I know…

Fred: Well, no he never came out and told children to experiment with homosexual sex like his compadres do. His compadres being The National Education Association and PBS network. They urge you that it's okay to be gay.


If you read the entire interview, you'd see this guy fails to make any points regarding why Mr. Rogers is going to hell. I guess because the church he was ordained at says it's okay to be gay (but I doubt they did anyway back years and years ago when ol' Rog was ordained) and because on his show after he sang to us as children and put on those pleasant post-Depression-era sweaters he didn't look us in the eyes and say, "Okay children, today we're gonna learn how to not be gay." Sorry, Mr. Rogers, but since you didn't say that, Mr. Phelps says I can't be your neighbor anymore.



What I find sort of, well, hypocritical here is Freddy Phelps says he doesn't hate homosexuals. Actually, he loves them. As a matter of fact he's the only one who loves them:

FRED: Oh, hogwash. I'm the only one who loves these beasts. I'm the only one that loves them. It plainly says in Leviticus: 19 that "if you love these Sodomites, you've got to warn them that they're going to hell or if you don't you hate your brother and your heart."

BT: So, you're doing this out of love? You're trying to save people?

FRED: Yes, we call them Love Crusades...

Right, Fred... riiiiiight, you love homosexuals -- these beasts -- and go on dangerous, but essential crusades of love. We can tell you love them because the name of your website is God Hates Fags. It's obvious that your love is overflowing for them.

Okay, well sure, Fred, you want to rid the world of homosexuals. I prefer heterosexuality too and the Bible does say it's wrong. Alright, you think Mr. Rogers is going to hell. I think the Teletubbies are. But where we really see how you should be locked up with the likes of Mike Tyson and Michael "Just Call My Son Blanket" Jackson is when you start saying crap like "God Hates Sweden and Canada!" Check out the sites. He proclaims in bold, large letters "THANK GOD FOR ALL DEAD SWEDES!!!" This is because Sweden is a land of sodomy, bestiality, and incest. It's what the travel agents never tell you!

The most annoying and insane aspect of his preaching (if you can really call it that -- it sounds more like drunken, hillbilly ranting to me). "Thank God for Katrina and 9/11." I mean, c'mon, is this guy serious? I have a feeling he doesn't really believe the stuff he says, he just does it because he thinks they'll someday make a TV movie about him. Just check out a few of these quotes put out there after Hurricane Katrina:

"New Orleans, symbol of America, seen for what it is: a putrid, toxic, stinking cesspool of fag fecal matter."

"America is irreversibly doomed. It is a sin to pray for the good of this evil fag nation."

"It is a sin NOT to rejoice when God executes His wrath and vengeance upon America."

"Pray for more dead bodies floating on the fag-semen-rancid waters of New Orleans."

"America became WBC's [Westboro Baptist Church, this crazy guys homes church] terrorist. So, God, in retaliation, became America's Terrorist."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahacoughhackcoughhahahahahahaha. God, because America and most Americans don't like this guy and think he's a nutcase (he says America tried and failed to bomb and take out his church... like if American really wanted to bomb this place they wouldn't succeed... puh-lease), punished us with Hurricane Katrina. What were we thinking, Fred? We'll stop making fun of you and your craziness now.






I hate to give him even more publicity than he already has, but here's some sites not mentioned above regarding this crazy bastard anyway. If you're feeling sad, they'll give you a good laugh:

http://www.priestsrapeboys.com
http://www.blacktable.com/daulerio030401.htm

Labels: Rambling

Halo thar. Eye am a 19 y/o male sex. i def am a neet guy who is dif frum most ppl u wil meat in ur liif!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!

So no1 noes how eye feal sumtimez. not evin mi BFFs. i lylas (luv u liek a SiStEr) butt eye tri 2 eggsplane mi fealinz but no1 iz evr wiling to lissen 2 me. May-b I shuld tri 2 eggsplane more cleerli but it wuld b no youce. N/m but w/e 2 u. If u no what u want in liif u shuld seak it owt!!! u shuld nvr give ^ on sumthing so bewtifull as liif. LOLZ bee are bee. O.K. back!!

u sea, i had 2 cum & maek this post b/c when u c sumthin in ur liif... sumthin that changes it 4 tha beter, u no u need 2 shaer it w/ an-e-buddy & ne1 who iz willing. if u made it this far, i hope i changed u. i hope u dont look at liif the same as u did b4. i wuld h8 4 u 2 leev & b liek totalli teh same. rly!! u meen 2 much. liv liek u r dancing, die liek no1 iz watchin. u shuld and nead to liv liif 2 tha fulist. mi frends, u guyz r teh gratest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

iDk. j slash k

tHiS pOsT wAs a FuNnI. LoLz. l8r. BYOB. RoFl. lmao.

btw u r 2kewl2b4gotten.

piece out 4 2day i am goin AWOL ASAP 2 watch that POS 2 fast 2 furious and get FUBAR w/ a MILF. TGIF. BBQ. cya l8r

TLA (TrU <3 aLwAyS),

jb aka me
XOXOXOXO

Labels: Rambling